The Intimate Mirror: Feedback, Vulnerability, and the Fear of Rejection
Intimate relationships provide a unique context to engage in conversations that matter to us most. They are often our closest and most vulnerable connections, making these conversations feel deeply personal. The fear of rejection, abandonment, or judgment can heighten our sensitivity, turning even well-intentioned comments into sources of shame.
“Your own unconditional loving relationship with yourself will be the basis of your accepting all love and praise as you’re just due.”
In intimate relationships, these conversations are often intertwined with our sense of self-worth. When our partner critiques our body, behaviour, our use of language (what they say, leave out, and how they say it), it can feel like a critique of who we are as a person. This can be especially triggering if we have past experiences of being shamed or criticised in childhood. The fear of being blamed and the deep-seated belief that "something is wrong with me" are common shame-related wounds.
To engage in vulnerable conversations in intimate relationships:
A regular practice that regulates your nervous system is key. Over time, it will expand your window of tolerance.
Create Safety: Foster a relationship where vulnerability is valued and authentic feedback is offered with love and respect. Do you best to speak from a regulated nervous system. As Deb Dana puts it, Story Follows State.
Choose Timing Wisely
Avoid giving feedback when either partner is in a dysregulated state, tired, or emotionally charged. Ensure that you connect with yourself and your partner before you speak. Consider how you’d like both of you to feel after the conversation.
Focus on Impact: Frame feedback in terms of how the behaviour affects you (how it makes you feel), rather than making accusations. Be careful to assume that everyone shares your beliefs about how things are or should be!.
“We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are”
Remember, your partner must feel empowered by the feedback, not feel criticised, blamed or judged. Say what you mean. Check to see how what you’re saying is landing with your partner. If it isn’t landing well, apologise and ask for a “do-over“.
Practice Empathy: Seek to understand your partner's perspective and validate their feelings, even if you disagree with their interpretation. Ask yourself, how do I want my partner to feel after the conversation? Something that YOU find trivial and feel inclined to share might not be trivial to them.
Be careful of playing the victim!
If you find this information interesting and want to explore how to bring these practices into your relationship, I invite you to schedule a complimentary clarity call: https://verticaldev.as.me/vertical-complimentary