The part that holds back your anger isn’t the problem
IFS · 6 min read
A part of me suppresses my anger. I've known this for years. In stressful moments - when I'm dismissed or walked over - something just holds back. My heart rate rises, the anger's there, and then nothing. An internal shutdown.
For a long time, I saw that part as a malfunction, something to fix. I thought if I got past it, I could feel and respond more authentically.
But my perspective shifted.
In an Internal Family Systems (IFS) session with Steve March, we learned to meet this part, not pushing it aside or bypassing it. We talked to it, asked how it was, what its job was, and what it feared would happen if it stopped.
If you're curious, you can ask your own parts a gentle question: What spaare you afraid would happen if you stopped doing your job? This simple invitation can help you start your own conversation within.
The answer stopped me.
The part wasn't trying to suppress my anger; it was trying to stop me from hurting the people I love. This part of me feared that if my anger came through fully, I'd hurt someone - emotionally, maybe even physically, in a way that would take a long time to heal.
In Internal Family Systems (IFS), ‘parts’ are different aspects of our personality that take on roles to protect us.
It had watched me suppress anger hundreds of times, quietly carrying that cost each time.
Steve asked me to thank this part. I felt ridieculous doing it. And then something shifted, and I cried. It surprised me just how strong my emotions were in that moment. If you ever find yourself having an emotional response like tears, shakiness, relief, or even laughter while connecting with your parts, know that this is completely normal. It's common to feel self-conscious or wonder if you're overreacting, but these reactions are part of the healing process and show that something meaningful is happening.
"They've used a lot of my energy. I've tried to use it skillfully. But it's also come at a cost."
When I let myself feel it, I realised this part had worked for decades, holding back something enormous out of love for my family. Nobody, not even me, had acknowledged that.
This realisation highlights something that becomes possible with the IFS model, but that many psychological frameworks miss.
Parts don't behave badly for no reason. They're not suppressing, controlling, or shutting down because they're broken or your enemy. They do it because, at some point, often long ago, that behaviour kept you safe, someone you loved safe, or stopped something worse from happening.
The part that holds back your anger isn't the problem. It's the answer to a problem you may have forgotten.
The issue isn't the part itself. Rather, the problem is that it's still running an old program, even though the situation has changed. It doesn't know you're an adult now or recognise that you have other options. As a result, it's still doing the same job it took on when the stakes were different, exhausting itself in the process.
IFS doesn’t remove that part. It helps you see, understand, and appreciate the work that's been done, so you can discuss whether it might be willing to ease up a little. This becomes possible when a part finally feels seen enough to trust that you've got this.
If you feel curious, you might gently try thanking one of your own parts for the work it has done, or even begin a quiet dialogue with it. Simply noticing and appreciating its intention can be a powerful first step. And if you’d like support, book a free discovery call with me to discuss how I can help.
The moment I thanked that part, really thanked it, not performatively, it relaxed - a little. That small relaxation created more space in my nervous system and my body, more than months of trying to force it out of the way ever had.
If you have a part that shuts down your emotions, controls your responses, or keeps you in a kind of managed flatness, it's not your enemy. It's one of the hardest workers inside you. And it's probably been waiting a long time for someone to notice.
Start there.