When Shame Feels Like Control
🌿 Introduction
An innocent question can sometimes pierce deeper than criticism.
It is not always the words that hurt, but the moment you realise that instead of being met, you are being evaluated.
This is a story about shame, empathy, and relational boundaries, and how emotional immaturity can turn everyday interactions into moments of control rather than connection.
🌿 What Really Happened
Not long ago, I experienced a moment that looked harmless on the surface.
It involved a simple question about my body, asked casually and without attunement.
My body reacted before my mind did.
My chest tightened.
My breath shortened.
A familiar sense of danger rose.
So I asked, calmly: “Where is that question coming from?”
Instead of curiosity, I was met with defensiveness about my tone.
This is often what happens when someone lacks emotional maturity.
The moment becomes about your tone, not their impact.
Because of my training in Internal Family Systems and Somatic Experiencing, and the work I have done on my nervous system, I stayed calm and grounded.
I did not escalate. I did not match the reactivity. I held steady, which is often enough to help the other person re-regulate
🌿 Why It Landed Hard
I had already set a clear boundary around my body and health.
So when a sensitive topic was entered without care, it landed like an inspection, not a conversation.
For people who do the reichian masochist pattern, moments like this hit especially hard.
What one person considers trivial can feel like a boundary violation to another nervous system.
When I sought clarity, the response shifted to:
“I shut down when I hear that tone.”
This is what happens when perspective-taking is absent.
Your lived experience disappears, and their defensiveness becomes the centre of the room.
🌿 The Hidden Layer
Weeks later, in therapy, she said:
“I’m not attracted to big bellies… My cover was more like, have you been back to the gym?”
There it was: judgment disguised as curiosity.
She even admitted:
“I know this is one of those topics, but I don’t think there should be big taboos, especially for something so trivial, like exercise.”
She knew it was sensitive and overrode it anyway.
That is not maturity; it is emotional blindness.
When empathy and conscience are missing, people rationalise harm instead of repairing it.
Later, the deeper meaning behind the question became clearer.
It had not been curiosity at all but a veiled expression of preference, concern, or dissatisfaction.
The delivery lacked empathy.
It lacked attunement to what the moment required.
When empathy and conscience are missing, people do not repair; They rationalise.
That is not malice; It is emotional immaturity.
🌿 The Old Wound
The moment pulled on a thread from much earlier in my life. I grew up with care that often came wrapped in correction.
“Watch your weight. Try harder.”
Concern blended with control.
So my reaction was not only to the present moment, but to the history it touched. My body remembered being commented on and dismissed.
This is the nature of the reichian masochist pattern. We endure what hurts rather than disrupt the dynamic.
🌿 The Guilt → Obligation → Control Loop
When empathy is missing, guilt and shame become tools of influence.
The sequence is predictable:
A complaint is made about your behaviour.
You feel guilty or shame.
You become obligated.
They gain control of the emotional dynamic.
Obligation is not love. It is leverage.
The moment guilt appears, self-leadership sounds like: “That is not how this is going to go.”
🌿 The Complaints Department Is Closed
These days, I do not respond to complaints.
I respond to requests.
A complaint tries to correct you.
A request tries to connect with you.
Emotionally immature people rely on complaints because complaints take away your right to say no.
A request always gives the other person the option to decline.
So I now say:
“If you want something, please make a request. Respectfully and directly. I do not respond to complaints.”
🌿 Practising Clean Communication
You can introduce this principle early in any relationship.
I often say:
“I am a straightforward person. I do not operate with a complaints department. If you want something, please make a request. Because we are adults, we both get to say no.”
Requests create choice. Complaints create control.
And if I am getting to know someone, I might add:
“We do not know each other yet. Emotional safety matters to me. Complaints assume I know your values or inner world, but I do not. To get to know each other properly, please make requests. I do not respond to complaints.”
To illustrate the principle:
Someone cooking dinner might ask, “Can you help with the salad?”
The other person might reply, “I cannot right now. I am in the middle of something.”
The first person says, “Thank you for letting me know.”
No guilt.
No sulking.
No pressure.
This is what real relational maturity looks like. Two adults speaking honestly, without coercion.
🌿 Boundaries Reveal Character
Boundaries are diagnostic.
They reveal a person more quickly than their words ever will.
Healthy people respect boundaries.
Emotionally immature people test them and some do not respect them.
Individuals with narcissistic or borderline traits dislike boundaries because boundaries remove their ability to influence through guilt or emotional pressure.
Their pattern is to push, test, and escalate until they see whether you will hold your ground.
When you set boundaries early, something becomes immediately clear.
Healthy people lean in. Unhealthy people self-select out.
Clarity saves you years.
🌿 Why Shame Breaks Connection
Shame cuts the bridge between two nervous systems.
It shifts the dynamic from two subjects in connection to one person evaluating the other.
Right-brain connection collapses.
Attunement collapses.
Co-regulation becomes impossible.
As Bonnie Badenoch writes:
“Self-regulation is the internalised experience of being co-regulated.”
Where shame lives, connection dies.
What remains is performance, compliance, or collapse.
🌿 The Deeper Lesson
Obligation pretends to be care.
Guilt pretends to be love.
Shame pretends to be discipline.
But none of these create connection.
Real safety is built on co-regulation. Two people who stay curious, responsive, and grounded, even when things feel uncomfortable.
This moment was not about the gym.
It was about dignity.
It was about the need to be met with curiosity instead of control.
🌿 Reflection Prompts
When was the last time you felt inspected instead of seen?
How does your body signal guilt-based obligation?
What requests do you need to start making or start inviting others to make?
If this resonates, explore more essays on relational maturity at RudiDoku.com. Connect with me to explore how trauma-informed communication and nervous-system work can transform your relationships and leadership.
Conclusion: The Beginning of Real Love
If you take only one thing from this story, let it be this:
your boundaries do not push people away.
They reveal who is capable of meeting you.
Requests create adult connection.
Complaints create power struggles.
Shame destroys safety.
Curiosity rebuilds it.
When you choose self-leadership instead of guilt, you shift the entire dynamic of the relationship.
You return to yourself.
And you create space for the kinds of relationships that honour your dignity, your nervous system, and your truth.
This is the foundation of relational maturity.
It is the moment you stop performing and start relating.
It is also the beginning of real love.