Why I Speak About My Former Marriage and What It Taught Me
Why I Speak About My Former Marriage So Openly
Many people wonder why I write about my former marriage.
Some quietly assume it is obsession.
It is not.
This is not a story about blame or character criticism.
We were both evolving, both learning, both meeting the limits of our capacities at the time.
The reason I return to these moments is simple.
They reveal how adult development really happens.
Not in theory.
But in the body.
Our most significant relationships are where we discover our triggers, our reactive patterns and our growth edges. They expose the gap between who we think we are and who we become under emotional pressure.
Avoiding those stories does not create wisdom.
Integrating them does.
The Body Often Knows Before the Mind Does
Around 2014, I began developing two capacities that reshaped how I relate to myself, to others and to stress.
The first was perspective taking.
The second, later, was perspective coordination.
But beneath both of these is something deeper:
My nervous system was learning to trust itself.
That is the real story.
Perspective Taking: Expanding Beyond My Own View
Perspective taking allowed me to ask:
How would my wife see this moment?
What might she be thinking or feeling?
How might this situation look through her eyes?
This practice strengthened my empathy, emotional regulation and relational intelligence. It helped me soften, stay curious and widen my field of perception.
But empathy alone has limits, especially when the body senses something that the mind cannot yet articulate.
When the Story and the Body Do Not Match
There were moments in our relationship when conversations escalated quickly.
Interruptions.
Blame. Yelling.
Sharp words.
When I asked, “Is this how you behave at work?”
The answer was, “No, This only happens with You.”
My mind wanted to believe that.
My body did not settle.
That discrepancy was important.
A bracing pattern lived in my shoulders.
My breath tightened.
My system stayed alert, as if something was not congruent.
This was not about proving who was right.
It was about noticing that my nervous system was signalling something my mind was not yet ready to name.
Perspective Coordination: Seeking Multiple Angles to Restore Self-Trust
Perspective coordination goes beyond empathy.
It is the ability to gather and integrate diverse viewpoints so that your understanding grows more accurate and more grounded.
I quietly spoke to two men who had reported to my former spouse in previous roles.
Both offered the same reflection:
“Yes, this is how she behaves at work.”
In that moment, my body did what my mind could not force it to do.
My shoulders dropped.
My breath deepened.
The bracing released.
I felt a warmth return to my chest.
This was not relief from being right.
It was relief from self-doubt.
My nervous system finally trusted what it had sensed all along.
This is the real insight.
Adult development is not only cognitive.
It is somatic.
The body recognises truth before the mind does, and when the two align, self-trust rebuilds.
Why This Matters Beyond My Marriage
I see the same pattern in organisations every day.
Leaders who present differently in public than in private.
Teams who rationalise behaviour that their bodies find unsettling.
High-performing individuals who assume, “Maybe it is just me.”
People who believe their discomfort is a personal flaw rather than useful information.
When the story and the body do not match, the nervous system always keeps score.
Perspective coordination helps people stop internalising blame, see patterns more clearly and make decisions grounded in reality rather than confusion.
The Power of Somatic Insight
The most important moment in my story was not the external validation.
It was the internal settling.
This is what happens when the cognitive narrative and the somatic experience finally align:
The autonomic system shifts out of vigilance
The prefrontal cortex comes back online
Clarity increases
Self-trust returns
Decision-making becomes grounded, not reactive
This is adult development in action.
Not abstract theory.
Embodied truth.
A Reflection for You
Have you ever sensed something was off but talked yourself out of it?
Have you ignored the information your body was giving you?
Do you know someone who feels stuck because their mind and body are telling different stories?
These moments are not signs of weakness.
They are invitations.
Your nervous system is often more honest than your internal dialogue.
How I Support This Work
In my practice, I help people:
Understand their nervous system cues
Rebuild self-trust after relational or workplace confusion
Develop perspective taking and coordination
Navigate power, conflict and complexity with clarity
Move from self-blame to grounded adult agency
If this resonates, you are not broken.
You are becoming.
And if you want support in that process, I am here to support you.