Nervous System Regulation After Narcissistic Abuse
Learn how narcissistic abuse dysregulates the nervous system and how regulation, not insight alone, supports healing, clarity, and recovery.
Healing from narcissistic abuse is often approached as a cognitive task. Understanding what happened. Naming behaviours. Making sense of contradictions.
In my experience, insight mattered, but it was not sufficient.
What ultimately supported recovery was nervous system regulation. Until my nervous system had enough capacity, clarity did not last, boundaries were fragile, and insight collapsed under stress.
What follows reflects my lived experience and professional understanding rather than a clinical diagnosis or a definitive account of another person’s psychology.
Why narcissistic abuse dysregulates the nervous system
Relational trauma differs from single-incident trauma. Narcissistic abuse often involves chronic unpredictability, emotional inconsistency, and subtle manipulation. The nervous system is repeatedly asked to stay alert while also maintaining connection.
Over time, this creates a state of persistent threat without resolution.
The body does not experience this as a psychological problem. It experiences it as danger.
As a result, the autonomic nervous system adapts by prioritising survival. This can look like:
Chronic fight-or-flight activation
Periods of shutdown or collapse
Hypervigilance and scanning for threat
Difficulty relaxing, focusing, or trusting one’s own perceptions
These are not signs of weakness or dysfunction. They are adaptive responses to prolonged relational stress.
Regulation comes before insight
One of the most important shifts in my recovery was realising that regulation had to come before insight.
When my nervous system was dysregulated, insight was fragile. I could understand something one day and completely lose access to that understanding the next. Decisions I felt clear about became confusing. Boundaries I thought I had established collapsed under pressure.
This is not a failure of willpower or intelligence. Under threat, the nervous system prioritises survival over reflection.
Learning this was relieving. It reframed what I had been judging as inconsistency or self-sabotage as reduced capacity.
How dysregulation showed up in everyday life
Chronic nervous system activation does not only affect emotions or relationships. It affects executive functioning.
During periods of significant dysregulation, the impact showed up in ordinary, practical ways:
I wasted money on groceries, buying food with good intentions and then throwing it away untouched.
Planning and follow-through were inconsistent, not because I did not care, but because my system was operating in urgency.
I accumulated more parking and speeding fines, not because I was reckless, but because my attention was narrowed and my capacity to orient was reduced.
These details mattered. Dysregulation was not just affecting how I felt. It was impairing my ability to function day to day and reinforcing a quiet sense that I was failing at basic adult tasks.
Understanding this through a nervous system lens shifted my self-judgement. What looked like carelessness was more accurately reduced capacity under chronic stress.
A simple framework for understanding regulation
Much of my understanding was shaped by the work of Deb Dana, whose writing translates polyvagal theory into practical, compassionate language.
At a high level, the nervous system moves between three broad states:
Safety and connection: where reflection, creativity, and relationship are possible
Mobilisation (fight or flight): where action and urgency dominate
Shutdown or collapse: where energy, motivation, and engagement drop
Healing does not mean staying permanently calm. It means developing flexibility. The ability to move between states and return to safety more reliably.
Regulation is not suppression
An important distinction for me was learning what regulation is not.
Regulation is not:
Forcing calm
Bypassing anger or grief
Talking myself out of how I feel
Performing wellness
Regulation is about creating enough safety in the system so that emotions, thoughts, and decisions can be held without overwhelm.
This distinction matters, especially for people who have learned to appease or override themselves to maintain connection.
A simple regulation practice I relied on
One practical tool I returned to repeatedly was the 4–7–8 breathing practice, particularly when I noticed signs of fight-or-flight activation.
When my sympathetic nervous system was dominant, my breath became shallow and rapid. This reinforced urgency and reactivity.
The structure of the practice is simple:
Inhale through the nose for four counts
Hold the breath for seven counts
Exhale slowly through the mouth for eight counts
Repeating this cycle several times helped slow my physiology and interrupt the feedback loop of activation.
I did not use this practice to suppress emotion or force calm. I used it to create just enough space to orient, think, and choose my next response more deliberately.
Over time, it became a reliable support in moments when my system was already moving toward overwhelm.
Why breathing helps, without mysticism
From a physiological perspective, slow, extended exhalation stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system. It signals to the body that immediate action is not required.
This aligns with polyvagal theory as developed by Stephen Porges, which describes how cues of safety and threat shape perception and behaviour.
The goal is not to eliminate activation, but to reduce intensity enough that choice becomes possible again.
Regulation supports boundaries
One of the most practical outcomes of improved regulation was stronger boundaries.
When my nervous system was dysregulated:
I over-shared because I was seeking relief
I delayed decisions because urgency made clarity difficult
I tolerated misalignment longer than I should have
As regulation improved, boundaries became easier to hold. Not because I became harder or more defended, but because I could feel misalignment earlier and respond sooner.
Boundaries became less about assertion and more about timing.
When regulation needs support
Self-regulation practices are useful, but they are not always sufficient.
There were times when my system needed co-regulation. Support from therapy, somatic work, and structured relational environments helped restore safety when self-regulation alone was not enough.
This is not a failure. Nervous systems heal in relationship.
Regulation as a foundation for healing
Nervous system regulation did not solve everything. It created the conditions under which healing could occur.
As capacity returned:
Insight became more stable
Decisions held under stress
Boundaries felt less effortful
Self-trust gradually rebuilt
Regulation did not make me invulnerable. It made me more capable.
A final reflection
If you are recovering from narcissistic abuse, it may help to reframe the task.
You are not broken.
You are not weak.
Your nervous system adapted to prolonged stress.
Healing begins not with understanding everything, but with restoring enough safety to function, reflect, and choose again.
That is not a shortcut. It is the foundation.
An invitation to work together
I work with individuals recovering from complex relational dynamics who want support that prioritises nervous system regulation, boundaries, and integration.
If this approach resonates, you can learn more or book a session via the link below.